Poems from my dark side

I have had a dogged period of depression for the last 2 years. Despite copious medications and CBT I am still struggling. Over the last two months I have started to write poems to help not only myself in a cathartic way, but others to understand where I am and why I do what I do.

These are they:-

Who Cares

The song says that
One is the loneliest number
If you don’t love yourself then
How can anyone love you
If nobody loves you then
Who will even like you
If nobody likes you then
Who will talk to you
If nobody talks to you then
It doesn’t matter who you’re with
If it doesn’t matter who then
Who cares how many there are
If it doesn’t matter how many then
Any number is the loneliest
If any number is the loneliest then
The song  is wrong
If the song is wrong then
Who cares? Nobody that’s who
If nobody cares then
Why am I here ?
If I don’t need to be here then
I won’t be for long

 

Bottom of the Pile

It’s hard to breathe at the bottom
When you’re last there’s nothing left
Along comes a new one
Down you go
There’s always a reason
Or maybe an excuse
Perhaps it’s like a human pyramid
Strongest needed to hold the  rest up
What happens when you’re tired?
When you can barely hold yourself up
Who comes to help you
Answer’s always the same… no one!

 

Escape

I am sitting here
In a house full of people
Feeling so alone, so empty
I’m missing my little one
But that’s not it; not the root
I don’t want to be here
I have to escape
Let me out of here……. NOW!

 

Demons

Inside my head were the numskulls
Little people controlling me
Operating my muscles
Digesting and walking
Sneezing and talking
Cooing and billing
Sawing and drilling

Then demons took over
Ousting the numskulls
Operating my muscles
Vomiting and falling
Screaming and bawling
Boozing and grilling
Stalking and killing

 

Waves

I lie here as the waves gently lap against me
Not greatly happy but then not really sad
From out of nowhere the swell rises and
Before I know it a huge wave washes over me
The salt stings my eyes and they tear
The weight churns my gut into jelly
Paralysed I lie here impotent to react
Not knowing whence it came or why

As the wave recedes I regain some dignity
My gut calms and my eyes wipe dry
My mind races searching for the source
It’s a portent – a disaster impending doom

Before I can begin to unravel this riddle
The swell begins to rise again
My eyes sting my stomach churns
Even before the huge wave washes over me

The doom, I must identify the doom
It has to be close to me deep down I must know
I search through all that is current
There’s enough for a book of three volumes

My mind has many switches and buttons
The large red one reads SELF DESTRUCT
It looks as if it has been recently pressed
Then I see the huge wave it washes over me.

I recover and search round the button
There must be a clue to what i’ve destroyed
I see pictures of someone smiling and laughing
Totally ignorant of what is to befall.

I desperately try and give warning
I scream at the top of my voice
Look out! A huge wave is coming
But the words come out all wrong

They hear me shouting and think it’s at them
Their smile fades and their face creases up
I realise too late what is happening
A huge wave misses them and washes over me

Once again I have destroyed something beautiful
I have let myself crush what is good
I am not allowed to be happy
I don’t deserve anything or anyone …… At all

 

The Dark Room

I am walking through the museum
Each room is full of display cases
Each case is full of items
Photos, Books,Videos and CD’s

I go to room 17 and play a CD
Hendrix blasts out and I smile
I flick through pictures; hair and flares It smells of weed and beer

I wander from room to room
Examining cases, flicking thru books
Smiling at some, frowning at others
Seeing how so much has changed

Not all the doors are easy to open
Some of the cases are falling apart
There are books with missing pages
Videos ghosting or overexposed
Up in the attic is the biggest room
Windows are dark and door locked
Eerie sounds emanate, flashes of light
It reminds me of a 60’s  horror film

I approach the door with trepidation
There’s no sign or number
But feelings of disgust and hatred
Identify the room only too well

Dare I open the door, take a look in
I look around , I am alone, it’s “safe”
Well my secret is safe at least
I can never be safe while I’m here.

I touch the handle, the door bows out,
My knuckles whiten as I pull it down
I am thrown back by a force so strong
That I am pressed hard against a wall

Darkness surrounds me, I silently scream
I see myself as I really am
Pus oozing, skin tearing, eyes staring
A snivelling mess a hateful lump

Memories flood me, each worse than the last,
I have left mayhem and death In my wake,
A traII of bodies as far as the eye can see
A smell so putrid that I gag as I slide to the floor

Some doors are best left closed
I think to myself as the bodies rise and
Shuffle towards me. A silent scream as
They surround and close in … suffocating me.

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One response to “Poems from my dark side

  1. The wave washed over me when I read it. What is that self destruct button? If only we could track it down and disarm it.

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